A frenzy of inactivity

I could be writing, but actually I am not.  I feel slightly sick about it all at present.  Now think the Seth and Osric idea is stupid - feel that what I have written so far is trite, and that I am not capable of dealing with the psychological issues.  Perhaps TRF is the only thing I could manage - we all have a book in us and maybe that was it.

Adam Phillips said this morning "sometimes you want something for such a long time that when you get it, you don't want it any more."  Perhaps that is the direction I am heading too.  Long-desired objects are sickening and failing before my eyes.  What is wrong with me?  I can't change direction again - I need to persist.  I wonder whether I should go back to writing Conscience?  It had certain benefits - a detachment, a lack of sex scenes. Again, it requires research - but that shouldn't be a problem.  Arrrgh, I haven't felt this uncertain or unsettled about writing for ages.   Maybe I should console myself by looking at TRF again.

Seth & Osric

Over the week I've been researching Osiris and Isis and seeing that there is a theme here I could use - it will make the book different, the main character, Izzy very different.  Less intellectual, less selfish - but more nurturing, more of an earth mother - hippy trippy - she can be into astrology and tarot and the I-Ching without any shame... I am having lots of thoughts and working on it.   Have looked at beginning of 17Y and adapted it a bit.

I am quite excited to be doing something so different - there was a risk that this book might be too much of a trawl around the TRF themes (when will that agent ring me!) - now I think if I have a really different main character it will be liberating - who knows, I may even become more nurturing in my private life.  The idea now is more about reconciling sibling rivalry rather than playing into it.

A free man in Paris

Actually, this song is about about missing being on holiday or a more leisurely time in life – but it’s curiously tied up with my revelation that the way I’ve been for the last 3 years is about becoming a writer, not really about being in love with someone else.  When I was younger I thought a lot about being a writer – and I concluded that to be any kind of artist was to live a very selfish, solipsistic sort of life.  At that time, in my 20s, I was really too busy having fun to write.   Later, I had a rather lonely time between marriages, and because I couldn’t or didn’t write much then, I concluded that what I liked about writing was my perception of the lifestyle – the sort of lifestyle that’s described in Free Man in Paris – wandering about, meeting friends, drinking, having lunch together – a nice time.  I didn’t, or couldn’t then, cope with the hard work...I was writing – I have several thousand words on 3 different works, but I couldn’t finish anything, couldn’t engage or commit myself.  I wanted to get married and have children.

 It’s only now, in the last 3 years I have coped with the effort/commitment of writing.  Completed a novel, heaved around, written, re-written, started new works, thought about things, worn out a laptop keyboard and an adaptor... I write all right.    The last few weeks have been weird – I’m “on holiday” from writing, but I realise one is never on holiday – there are always things one can see that feed idea – the ideas about Seth and Osiris that will enter 17Y in some shape or form that came from a museum trip on Saturday in Boulogne (am I surprised that my nearest decent museum is in France?).  If I sneak a look at TRF version 6 I can find lots to change, edit – even phrases that have been there since 2009!  Writing properly isn’t at all like A Free Man in Paris – I can’t quite settle to doing anything significant at the moment.  When I hear from the Agent I will either have to do some more editing/re-writing – or start sending TRF off again (sigh!).  So until I hear something, I can’t quite convince myself to write 17Y or edit TRF significantly.

What next?

Desperately wanted to have some time sitting in the sun and thinking - first I thought I'd do it after the shopping and before going to see Muriel - but there wasn't time - then I thought I'd only spend an hour with Muriel and then steal an hour,  but I was having a good chat - and she is so sweet - so, I didn't get my time, but I was talking about the 17Y plan - and actually it helped me clarify how I might structure it - it's quite simple really - two strands 1st Life and Second Life - and then somehow manage to have a final chapter which suits both strands.  This will give the book group members who hate tricksy structures a chance to read it one version at a time - if they want (if it's ever written, if it's ever published! - I'm just saying that in an apotropaic way - I hope it will be published.)

Anyway, I managed the structure problem without stopping for a pause.   Tomorrow is going to be horrible again - but I do have some time to wander around and think - so I might do that.   I am beginning to have a desperate need for a "third space" - going out somehow gives me space to think.

Tomorrow I shall be at the library - and out and about, while my computer is being fixed...so I should have time to think and write and so on....hurray.   And borrow some books on personal relationships/love/sibling rivalry from it.

Writing for free

This is what I am doing most of the time - and I am about to start blogging for the festival for the summer - I am also doing a "blog" for the Thanet Gazette - 200 words a week about what's happening now... and I am doing a bit of writing in exchange for theatre tickets!   This was well worth it, since I saw a fantastic storytelling show on Friday - at the Tom Thumb Theatre in Margate.  As well as Robert Poulter's "The Mummy's Purse" there was a story by Ben Haggerty which was extraordinary....but I have to write about that elsewhere, so won't waste my energy on it now.

Author publishing

This is the new "respectable" title for self-publishing.  People are doing it more and more now - we had a talk on it a few months ago at a Society of Authors meeting.  I am not convinced by it, because I still feel a great deal of this writing "isn't very good".  There is plenty of stuff that is published that "isn't very good" but this suggests that the self-published stuff is probably worse.  The two people I know who are thinking about it are OK writers, but don't write the sort of stuff I'd like to read.

I remember years ago I got paid for editing someone's book: it was a novel based on the experiences of a jobbing actress.  It had a number of interesting anecdotes - but not enough, and the rest of it felt a bit thin.  You can disguise thin material if you write beautifully - but if you don't it's just thin, and people can see it. Had the author felt strongly enough about it, she would have self-published, nowadays she might well take the digital route.  The Guardian published a whole feature on this phenomenon last week.   Would I self-publish?  No, because I feel my writing is better than a lot of stuff that gets published, and ought to be published and will eventually be published.  Also, I want to write - not spend all my time marketing my books.

As a result of my months on the Authonomy website I have read an enormous amount of bad writing - it's not "bad writing" in the sense that it's appalling - it's just that it's not very good.  The people who would enjoy this sort of writing are probably not the book-buying public - hence the reason publishers don't publish it - since schools and libraries are unlikely to want to stock it either.  So I am pinning my faith on the usual process, and not punting on becoming a digital publishing millionaire.

Now a major motion picture....

no, of course it's not.  We were joking (M and the boys and I) about this in the garden the other day.  Doing the casting.  We thought perhaps Alec Baldwin for Leo - until the boys suggested Brian Blessed (bastards!).  There was some difficulty casting Phillip - I can't remember who was finally suggested.   No one could suggest who to play Lucy - Dawn French firmly rejected, and definitely not one of those pretty skinny actresses like Rosamund Pike - trouble is, nowadays there's not much of a size range between Kiera Knightly and Marianne Sagebrecht... where are the plump interesting actresses.   The only one I could think of was the one who played Sharon in Birds of Feather and I don't think she'd be right... perhaps Juliet Stevens or Emma Thompson in a fat suit?

What a dream!

Last night I dreamed I had gone to New York with some other writers to pitch our books to some agents.  We were all pitching to a group of agents, and one by one the other writers were rejected, until there were only two of us left.  I had only one agent left to pitch to, but she seemed elusive. Eventually she read the book and said - with provisos - that she would take me on.  I felt so happy - even though there was more work to do.

A different agent entirely!

A couple of years ago I met an agent at a party - she seemed quite interested in my book... but in the end, although I'd heard, through a 3rd party that she was going to take me on, she didn't.

I've seen her since, and felt a bit spikey towards her.  I saw her on Saturday night and was delighted to see her again, and very good to chat a bit professionally with her...as well as talking about other things.  I really like her - as my 3rd party friend said, she's a bit hard work at firsts, but now I felt really comfortable with her and was able to talk about where the book was at etc. from a position of strength.   She generously said The Agent was "a very good agent" - which is nice...but I knew that anyway.  She says there's no way of telling if she will take it on, it's "all about passion" - but not to worry, I can send it around again... Oh if only she knew what a tiresome thought that was.  But I am nearly there, I'm sure and even if the Agent does turn it down I will be able to cope somehow.

We talked about the defamation issue: she suggested I made Leo gay - a possibility!   Then I'd have him suing me not her! and I couldn't use the fertility sub-plot.  This is something I need to talk about with Agent... when and if.  Or to "Leo".  Maybe he should not be my cousin - son of old friends etc.  get rid of all the genetic stuff... or make the heroine less similar to me... the whole point is ridiculous.  Melissa is not in any way based on the person who is threatening to sue me.  I feel I should just argue that.  In fact the character is more like someone else I know - but don't want her suing me either.  Perhaps if I make her blonde and ravishingly beautiful... then she couldn't possibly relate it to herself.  I don't think I should make any major changes until I know whether it's been taken on.  But it was good talking to Jane - she's a good person to have on one's side.