Nov 16th Plus ca bleedin' change...

Yes, the situation is exactly as it was last week - no call from the Agent - so much for the solar eclipse bringing great events into my life... beginning to think Susan Miller is over-rated. Or perhaps it is her "gee-whizz" American optimism that gets me confused.   I might change my mind if I win the lottery tonight, then I can go and buy some Peter Blake prints.

It is a weird thing that one's mood can swing around despite a complete lack of changes in circumstance.

Last night I enjoyed an evening with Ramsgate's glitterati - many of whom appeared to be my friends... which was nice.  Oh, the small town life is ideal in so many ways - as long as you don't start writing about them!

November 8th - The Return of Gloom

So after a week of not worrying about it, the putative agent did not get back to me.  I sort of knew that.  But I told myself I would call her at 4.00pm this afternoon, and then I just couldn't face it.  So now I feel miserable, tearful and generally awful. 

God, I haven't felt this miserable for ages... I could have put myself out of the misery by calling her (probably), but it was fear of her not saying anything positive, of saying "no" - of rushing her into a negative response.... so where am I?

I feel desperate - need comfort, M offered to take me out to supper - but we can't afford it as usual...And anyway, all I can think about is how wretched I feel.

And yet, as I often point out to myself, nothing has changed objectively...I have still got two well-written novels, I have not actually been turned down by the agent (yet) and in fact she probably won't - I think if she were going to she could have emailed me this week and said so.

M is being gloomy and has also convinced me that high powered lawyers will be tracking me down to sue me for defamation, since apparently repeating rumours is a form of defamation.  Oh God.  I have taken down the blogs.

Fanfare for me!

Yes, you do have to blow your own trumpet - nobody does it for you. So I copying this from my other blog for a start. This afternoon I announced to the awaiting world the completion of Conscience vol 1 on Facebook this afternoon, and got a "like" from Finn - and the rest of my eager chums? nada, zilch, niente...  I expect they were all busy, it is Hallowe'en after all, and I seem to be the only person who doesn't treat it as a lesser Christmas.  I hope that's why no one noticed, or did they notice and think I was showing off... or are they all assuming I am about to fail.   Perhaps I am.

Anyway, I finished Conscience today.  This was an idea I have had for a while - and, sometime in 2003 I went up to London on a train with a small notebook and came back with the whole plot.  I've never looked at that notebook since, it is probably full of gorgeous ideas which I would be kicking myself not to have used.  I can't actually remember when I began to write it - when I started The Romantic Feminist I had already written about 20,00 words of it, and I wrote a little more on it after I'd completed the first few drafts of the RF.  I wrote it so slowly and infrequently, it had taken me at least a year to write those first 20,000 words, perhaps two years.  This afternoon I finished it.  I decided this morning that Thursday and Friday were going to be busy days, so I should just go for it.  The last chapter is just under 5,000 words, all written today.  It will need considerable polishing, but I wanted to get some momentum back - the previous chapters had covered about 4 weeks in about 15,000 words.  I didn't think my readers would want it to drag out, every painful conversation, every initiative.  M of course wanted me to include a scene with a recruiting sergeant - I felt that had been "done" - I left it out, there is some anxiety about how the wife character changes - is it a but unrealistic, has she been subsumed to the plot in some way...

Some weeks ago it became apparent to me that the story, which I originally imagined as one big fat book, and then realised would make more money as two, might actually become three books.  Currently this version is about 87,000 words - slimmer than TRF, but still a respectable size - about 220 pages... it may need some padding out - but there were a few ideas I had as I went along that perhaps need to be expanded a little - and maybe the last chapter would benefit from another couple of thousand words.  I am desperately excited, and thrilled, and also a little deflated - what on earth will I do next?  Some housework perhaps?

Relief

OK, I took the bull by the horns and called the agent - I never call anyone if I can help it, so this was a major deal.  I spoke to someone else, got a message that she was sorry - could I email her with the details and she'd get back to me.   I did, and today got an email from her, apologising and saying she was going on holiday next week - and would read both TRF and Conscience - and get back to me when she got back in the week beginning 5th November - and let me know whether she wanted to take me on.   So now I only have to wait for 9th November before I start panicking and feeling anxious again, and have to do mass submissions.

Today I re-read first 3 chapters of Conscience 1 and "saw that it was good".  I worry that David's character may not be sufficiently engaging - and that the formal Edwardian language I've used may be too cold and distancing - but we'll see.  There's lots of inventive stuff in it - but is there enough?  I always hate it when other people's books are "too thin" and that may be true in places with both books. Or even in TRF "too much dialogue" ?  Never had anyone complain about that before - M commented that bits of it sounded like a radio play (that is a compliment actually) and N was saying she could see it as a film - although I don't think it has a strong enough story...

Meanwhile, Kirstie has read TRF and said it was "very readable" - which I fear contains a "but" somewhere in it.   Anyway, all feedback is useful - and I'm learning to filter out the subjective stuff from the real structural stuff...quite excited to hear what she has to say.  It's lovely getting praise for it, but it's more exciting getting a proper, helpful critique.

Fear and trembling

Oh dear, my friend N likes TRF very much and might be interested in publishing it... what on earth am I going to do.  I am terrified, she is such a small publisher - and doesn't have a website even, that I am really not happy about the prospect. Maybe I need  to tell her I don't want to spoil our friendship.

Not quite an ultimatum

Today I finally had another go at the Agent.  I sent her the following email.

Dear *****,

A friend has just read The Romantic Feminist and gave me some notes, so I've made a few new changes (not too many since she seemed to be reading a book called Lucy Gets Laid and suggested I remove a lot of the feminism! However, she enjoyed it very much). The new version is attached.

I am aware that we will soon be reaching the anniversary of my original submission, and you have had this new version of the book since May. No doubt it could be further improved, and I would be happy to hear any suggestions you have.

At present I am within about 2-3 weeks of completing Conscience, the first of 2 or perhaps 3 books set in WWI and after. Casual, social discussions with publishers of my acquaintance, encourage me to think the story is pretty marketable. Perhaps you could advise me on the etiquette here: should I send Conscience to you as the currently sole putative agent - or can I just send a mass submission to any agents I fancy? Due to the approaching centenary of WW1 I would obviously like as many people to see it as possible.

I know you are extremely busy, and there may be other submissions that have languished longer than mine - but I would really appreciate a response.

With best wishes

Inevitably, I immediately received an "out of office" reply.

I am feeling so flat.  So discouraged, not because I don't believe in the books and the writing, but because it is taking so long.  Still, just better plug on and finish Conscience, so that I can think about submitting it.  I shouldn't be feeling flat really - shit scared might be better.

Notes from a friend

On Monday I got some notes on the The Romantic Feminist from Denise.  I am going through the book from beginning to end, reading it aloud to myself and making adjustments.   I am incorporating some of her suggestions, I have cut back on one character, and will reduce some of the conversations... and I have twiddled a little bit with the end - but not much.  I am going to send the improved version to the Agent at the end of the week I hope - and point out that it's nearly a year since I first approached her and that August was quite a long time ago!

I am sleepy for some reason, although it's the middle of the day.