Nov 16th Plus ca bleedin' change...

Yes, the situation is exactly as it was last week - no call from the Agent - so much for the solar eclipse bringing great events into my life... beginning to think Susan Miller is over-rated. Or perhaps it is her "gee-whizz" American optimism that gets me confused.   I might change my mind if I win the lottery tonight, then I can go and buy some Peter Blake prints.

It is a weird thing that one's mood can swing around despite a complete lack of changes in circumstance.

Last night I enjoyed an evening with Ramsgate's glitterati - many of whom appeared to be my friends... which was nice.  Oh, the small town life is ideal in so many ways - as long as you don't start writing about them!

November 8th - The Return of Gloom

So after a week of not worrying about it, the putative agent did not get back to me.  I sort of knew that.  But I told myself I would call her at 4.00pm this afternoon, and then I just couldn't face it.  So now I feel miserable, tearful and generally awful. 

God, I haven't felt this miserable for ages... I could have put myself out of the misery by calling her (probably), but it was fear of her not saying anything positive, of saying "no" - of rushing her into a negative response.... so where am I?

I feel desperate - need comfort, M offered to take me out to supper - but we can't afford it as usual...And anyway, all I can think about is how wretched I feel.

And yet, as I often point out to myself, nothing has changed objectively...I have still got two well-written novels, I have not actually been turned down by the agent (yet) and in fact she probably won't - I think if she were going to she could have emailed me this week and said so.

M is being gloomy and has also convinced me that high powered lawyers will be tracking me down to sue me for defamation, since apparently repeating rumours is a form of defamation.  Oh God.  I have taken down the blogs.