The Romantic Feminist p. 91 ff

Lucy and Leo haven't seen each other since 1973. She's married to Phillip, a lawyer and has two children.  Helen is her mother.

4

“For the heart of man is deceitful above all things.... who can know it?”

Jeremiah 17.9

August 1989

When she received the invitation to her sister Ceccie’s wedding Lucy noticed it would be on Leo’s 33^rd birthday.  The wedding was to take place in Wiltshire, Ceccie was marrying a banker.

 “A lovely country wedding” Helen told everyone proudly. “We’re all staying at the Angel in Laycock, it’s absolutely charming.”

Lucy wished that occasionally her mother would include her in “family plans”. 

“You’d better book somewhere quickly Lucy – or everywhere will be full.”

“You could have mentioned this and booked a room for us too.”

“Oh – do you want to come with us?  I didn’t think. It might be difficult with the children – we don’t want them running about everywhere.”

“Does the hotel not accept children?”

 Lucy booked the ground floor family room in the hotel and arranged for the baby listening service.  They could have a nice family meal with everyone – and have a few drinks.  It might be fun, Phillip might enjoy it – once he’d stopped grumbling about how much it would cost them. 

Lucy and Phillip were sitting in a pew which is not quite as near to the front as she thought a bride’s sister should be – those pews are filled with other people: defective ushering perhaps.  But it is a glorious medieval church which Phillip is enjoying; Ben and Max are small, cute pageboys, trained and protected by bossy ten year old bridesmaids, and receiving admiring glances. Lucy experiences restrained maternal pride and she sits, flipping over pages in the hymn book and thinking, as she often does, that people should have more adventurous hymns at their weddings.  She is fairly happy because she is wearing a silk dress she has had for years and a beautiful hat.

Someone is getting into the pew behind and her back suddenly prickles as if she is being scrutinised: I know it’s Leo.  She waits for a polite pause before turning around, and there is Beata and this man, Leo.  Nobody told her he was coming – was that an oversight?  Or her mother’s deliberate policy?  She smiles with genuine pleasure, it is lovely to see Beata again, then she turns to him – is that really Leo?  After 16 years she can’t be quite sure, but it can’t be anyone else.  She knows it’s him and flashes a quick smile and says “Happy Birthday” to him rapidly, before turning back as she doesn’t believe in lots of inter-pew chat before a service.   There is a rustle from them, a slight ripple of consternation.  They are whispering to each other; Lucy catches the words “incredible” and “she”.  

Lucy sits there, wanting to do or say something, and doing nothing.  The first thought, it isn’t a conscious thought, just a vast sensation that takes her over, which could be loosely expressed in these words

“I love you – what went wrong in 1973?”

Suddenly she has the disloyal wish that Phillip wasn’t with her and that she and Leo could go away and talk about things together.  She knows she will be talking to him later, almost certainly, but she wants this to happen at once. Her heart is beating fast enough to make her feel sick.  She is excited by his proximity and much too proud to turn around and smile at him again – although she wants to, I want to be sure he’s really there.

She could not pay 100 per cent rapt attention to the wedding, but was grateful that it gave her a chance to calm down a bit. Afterwards everyone drifted out into the churchyard, to hang around while the photos were taken.  There were a lot of people to say hello to as they milled about the graveyard (In the midst of life we are in death) chatting and greeting; she wasn’t avoiding Leo, but had to avoid making an eejit of herself.  The risk of it becoming apparent that all she really wanted to do was talk to him and be close to him, was too great.  There were other cousins there for Beata and Leo to talk to, they didn’t have to talk to Lucy.  She divided her attentions between an old family friend and bar mitzvah dancing partner, some friends of her parents whom she barely knew, and the world's most rugged merchant banker, an ex-colleague and a friend of Charles, her latest brother-in-law, before they set off for the reception.

There had once been a mansion on the site, but now there were only some ruined walls and a grassy terrace where a huge marquee stood, looking down on a formal garden with a beautiful ancient pond.  The children were ushered off into a separate tent with entertainers and a shock troop of hired nannies, leaving Lucy unusually free from responsibilities.  There was no seating plan, so Lucy and Phillip sat down at a large, empty damask covered table and waited to see who would join them.  They were only alone for a moment before Beata and Leo came over and she said almost tentatively “Can we join you?”